I was shut off. Disconnected. Not being love. I found myself in that place over the last few weeks. It caused anxiety, angst, doubt, fear, confusion…you name it, I felt it. All at once. And unfortunately, my boyfriend felt it (and yet, continued to be loving and caring). My light was definitely dimmed, and it was my own doing. But I needed this experience in my life to propel me further on my spiritual path. I’m addicted to self-discovery and growth, and for that I am very grateful.
I started to feel discomfort (a term I use to refer to that feeling in the pit of your stomach or that heart-wrenching feeling when something just doesn’t feel right) because I was not speaking my truth. The longer I went without speaking my truth, the more disconnected and annoyed I felt. This was occuring to me within my relationship, but it can happen in any area of your life where you are not being honest with yourself and/or others, and are not communicating from the heart. The feelings of disconnection and annoyance were projected onto my boyfriend. There were a few things that I saw in him that I did not like, and because I feared hurting his feelings, I decided not to share. Not only did I not share, but I focused so intently on the, “I don’t like that” that guess what? I kept seeing things I didn’t like. Energy flows where attention goes, and I was giving so much silent attention to the things I didn’t like that they became extremely loud. I felt I needed space, and my brain took me on a whirlwind of questions and thoughts, including, “Maybe this is not for me.” Part of me knew I had to speak up, but just didn’t know how or couldn’t find the right time. My heart knew what I needed to do to feel better, but yet I didn’t listen. How often do we ignore that inner voice because of the meddling brain and all the stories it makes up as to why we shouldn’t follow our hearts? Then we make ourselves busy or distract ourselves so we can’t hear.
Luckily, my partner, while respecting what I was going through, wasn’t giving up. He asked what was wrong, and I have this thing about not lying…that moment became the right time. As difficult as it was to share how I was feeling, and the things I had noticed that didn’t sit well with me (I chose my words carefully), I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And, as difficult as it was for him to hear, he felt more at ease, too. This opening up, however, did not resolve how I was feeling toward him. I still felt shut off and disconnected, and I continued to wonder if this was the relationship for me. As the magical Universe would have it, I came across an event that was happening that same night (how odd is that, right?) at a yoga studio in Hollywood, led by an amazing soul and someone I consider a mentor (even though I hadn’t met him yet): Mastin Kipp, founder of one of my favorite blogs thedailylove.com; it just so happened that this event was called “An evening with your heart” (he’s planning another one soon, stay tuned). I was feeling and thinking so many things-my relationship, contemplating a possible trip to Bali (a story for another blog)-that I knew it was no accident that I found this event. Initially, fear tried to stop me from going, but luckily my heart spoke up and by-passed the brain, to send the message to my finger to click “Order Now.” My heart spoke, and I listened. Amazingly enough, I had already started, on my own, a process that would be helped further along by this event. What I experienced that evening was, in short, re-connection. The breakdown began when I unplugged from my own heart, by not speaking up (something I have done much too often in my life). When I’m not connected to myself, to Source/Universe/God, how can I possibly feel love for or connection to anyone else? When I am not speaking my truth, and not letting my heart be heard, I am at odds with myself. While communicating from the heart was the first step, I still needed to reconnect all the loose wiring that was causing the malfunction. I sent my lil army of lovebugs and just like that plugged back in. I am connected, I am love.
Take 2 minutes right now to check in with your heart. What’s it telling you? Are you listening?